The family time we’re told to treasure

The holidays are coming. For some families, that means a slow build of tension around time we’re told to treasure, but quietly dread.

Politics and personal family dynamics aside, this is about what happens when two generations arrive at the table with competing hopes and expectations. Picture one family heading into the holidays. Look at it through each generation’s eyes, and the collision is easy to see.

New parents and holiday gatherings

Parents of young children give all day. Sleep comes in pieces. Their bodies are jungle gyms. The logistics never stop, and some are still recovering from birth.

Whether or not they’re looking forward to the family visit, being with their own parents can bring back an old association: this is where I’m taken care of.

So the expectation forms almost on its own. Time with the grandparents means a break. Sleeping in. A walk alone. Scrolling a phone without someone climbing on them.

Holiday gatherings through the grandparent’s eyes

Grandparents may be exhausted parents, too. They’ve been giving for decades. Their bodies and minds experienced what new parents are going through, for much longer, and perhaps with more than one child. It took a toll.

No matter their fitness or energy level, their bodies are aging. Sleep deprivation, menopause, and changing bodies are the realities of daily life. Many are now caring for their own parents, or grieving them. The holidays bring memories of their own childhood gatherings, in all their complexity.

So even the most involved, enthusiastic grandmother may arrive with a quiet hope of her own. Her children are raised, and parents themselves. Maybe this is the year others will step up, and she won’t have to carry the mental load for the entire family. She may crave an expression of appreciation, rather than being treated as the default project manager for major family events. Maybe this is the year her child, now a parent, finally understands how much she’s been carrying.

Why intergenerational family events can feel so hard

Put those two hopes in the same house. They collide. They almost compete.

One generation is hoping for a break. The other is hoping to be seen and valued, and perhaps seeking a break as well. Each may be looking to the other to provide it, and neither says it out loud. Without insight into the other generation’s perspective, the visit can unfold with everyone feeling unseen and unsupported. Resentment and frustration fill the gap.

Seeing it is a start

That’s one imagined family. Yours may look different, with other hopes and other pressures. The ideas underneath it are the part worth trying on.

There’s no tidy fix here. But understanding a problem is a healthy start to addressing it. It might be as small as noticing that the person across the table is arriving with hopes of their own. It might be one sentence: “You must be exhausted,” for example. While it won’t solve everything, it can change the feel of the moment. Moments link into days, and successful days build memories.

Want an easy way to open conversations like these, across generations? FACE Cards were designed to help families talk through big changes, together.