The Hidden Work of Parenting: Avoiding the “Ta-dah!” Trap

Ta-dah! 

Every aspect of parenting—and life—contains this moment. It’s the moment that arrives with all the feels, photo-ops, and a dopamine hit. It requires the least investment of time and brain space, yet somehow earns all the credit.

In parenting, you see it everywhere once you know what to look for. It’s attending the prenatal visits, but not spending hours choosing a practitioner or fighting with the insurance company. It’s opening gifts at the baby shower, but not spending weeks crowdsourcing parenting approaches, reading reviews, and making endless registry choices. It’s the "Ta-dah!" of a baby’s first solids, without researching at what age to begin, what to feed them, and the prepping and storing of the actual food.

Signs of unequal parenting responsibilities in your relationship

When one parent gets the "Ta-dah!" and the other owns the research, you've accidentally created a Stage Manager and a Performer. The Performer steps out for the high-visibility moments. They are the "fun parent" at the park. Meanwhile, the Stage Manager is behind the curtain, owning the lighting, the props, the safety checks, and the schedule. 

How to explain the mental load to your partner without fighting

I remember back when I had three very young children. I carried my entire "backstage" in the car: snacks, sweaters, extra shoes, changes of clothes, towels and more. Occasionally, my partner would clean out my "messy" vehicle, with genuinely good intentions: to create a tidy car.

…until the inevitable happened. "Ryan is cold. Do you have a jacket?" I did, but it’s no longer in the car. "Do we have any snacks?" You took them out. My husband valued a clean car, but I valued the tools that helped us get through every day. He saw a mess; I saw a survival system. Before we judge a partner’s "clutter"—mental or physical—we might want to consider: Is this a mess, or is this the preparation that makes the "Ta-dah!" possible?

It is easy to see how this imbalance causes resentment. If one parent is constantly in "Stage Manager" mode, it can look and feel like being worried or distracted. The other parent asks, "Why can't you just relax?" and the Stage Manager wonders, "Do you mean... be less prepared?"

Awareness is the first step. 

If you want to move from "Performer and Stage Manager" to "Co-Directors," all the steps need to be visible. This is most effective through conversation and a thorough understanding of all it takes to parent; it’s a muscle to build together, requiring both time and intention. The investment, while considerable, comes with a pretty great payoff: healthier relationships between parents and a calmer home for everyone, for a start. 

Building a shared parenting plan through curiosity and connection

Not sure how to start? Try one of these games to recalibrate your team. Remember, the shared goal is curiosity and communication. 

1. Menu for Success

Pick one "Ta-dah!" moment, like a smooth day at daycare. Imagine you are writing a "recipe" for that success. Work together to list the "hidden ingredients" that the Performer rarely sees.

It’s not just car seats and driving; it’s the 6:00 AM check of the weather forecast to ensure you’ve packed the right clothes. It’s packing everything needed for the day—not just the child. It’s the foresight of washing the "favorite" lovie because you noticed it was starting to smell a bit ripe. It’s the daily mental audit of the fridge to ensure there’s enough expressed milk for tomorrow’s bottles, and the administrative labor of verifying the pickup authorization list for when Grandma is in town. It’s the art of knowing that the center is closing early for a staff training day. When you list these out, the Stage Manager's role stops looking like a series of chores and starts looking like a shared craft you can both admire.

2. The "Brain Space" Feed

Open a shared note on your phones titled "Brain Space." For the next 24 hours, whenever parenting logistics or an invisible research task pops into your head, add it to the note. No filtering. By the end of the day, you’ll have a visual stream of consciousness. It’s the easiest way to show a "Performer" exactly how much data the "Stage Manager" is processing at any given time. Both parents can play at once, or you can take turns. Watching someone else’s process can offer insight and appreciation.

3. The "In My Pocket" Game

Throughout the week, when a mental pop-up occurs—like needing to RSVP to a playdate—just put it in your pocket, which is a note on your phone (not shared). Once a day, do a five-minute "Pocket Dump." This is your team meeting—a way of naming all that’s happening backstage out loud, so you both know what’s being carried.

Make It Grand Pro-Tip:

A grand life starts with building it together. Use our New Parent Conversation Cards to move forward as co-directors and build the skill of sharing brain space.