Parenting isn't all butterflies and rainbows.

Grands who remember it that way? They're editing. Sometimes unconsciously, sometimes with intention.

There's a name for it now: gramnesia. It's saying, I remember it, and it was all easy and smooth. Gramnesia can be received as inter-generational gaslighting. Unintentional, but it still lands somewhere between disappointing and enraging.

If you catch yourself doing it, you're in good company. Your parents likely did it too. It comes with distance.

Why grandparents remember it differently

It's been a long while since you had little kids, and time condenses. Three weeks that felt like forever in real time may seem reasonable from the perspective of someone who has now been a parent for three decades.

Your skills as a parent arrived slowly, one habit at a time, over years. You adapted without noticing you were adapting. Looking back, it's easy to forget there was ever a time you didn't know, that you were learning on your feet.

There was also less noise. Without social media and marketing, it was all more straightforward. You had your doctor, maybe a couple books, and the people in your everyday life. You likely did things "the way" until they worked…eventually.

That "eventually" is easy to lose. The weeks of trying and the doubts compress into a single sentence that lacks the texture of lived experience. "You were an easy baby," offers the next generation nothing.

How gramnesia lands on a parent living it in real time

Your grown child isn't looking back across decades. They're in it, today and again tomorrow. When they hear an edited version, it can sound like: it was easy for me, so why is it so hard for you?

Sometimes the smoothing comes from a kind place. Grandparents feel protective, because their child is struggling. Making it sound easy can feel like reassurance.

A word to the grands: minimizing your child's experience isn't what they're looking for when they ask. They're looking for someone who remembers that it was hard. Someone who will look right at them and say, "Yep."

What to offer instead

The texture is what helps. Who helped. What you tried that didn't work. What kept you up worrying. Those details tell your child that the place they're standing has been stood in before. That it was hard then, too, and that it passed.

If you don't remember the details, say so. That's more useful than a memory that's been smoothed over.

Before you answer

The next time you're about to bring out the rainbows and butterflies, pause. Ask yourself why your child is asking. Then consider whether this input from you will serve that need.

We can, all of us, always do better.

Want an easy way to start honest conversations across generations? FACE Cards were made for exactly that.